god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
I just got a standing ovation when i made it to work on New Years Day. good thing?
Please come fuck me. I had the worst sex of my life the other night and I need to be reminded that sex is actually enjoyable
She dumped a fish bowl of alcohol on herself. Just like flash dance.
i never thought i could drink so much vodka in 8 minutes
she just called me the flavor packet to her ramen noodles. get me the fuck out of here.
Sorry bud. Having a shitty day because the GF broke up with my wife and I. We really liked her too
In honor of Dennis Farina dying, I'm offering up free mustache rides...2 takers so far.
His mom finally got over her shame and smoked a bowl with us. Merry Christmas to all aka me.
he had shaved armpits. I repeat: HE SHAVED. HIS. ARMPITS! First hookup of 2014 and it's with a weirdo. Alcohol:1 Me:0
He asked me who my new boyfriend was and I showed him a picture of my sex toys.
I feel like a grown up and it scares me so I'm hiding out in the bathroom stall and messaging you
I'm thankful I didn't get drunk and shit my pants this year. 🦃
There are way too many people I have fucked in this class for this not to be awkward
HE'S FUCKING 19 YEARS OLD, HE CAN'T EVEN GET INTO A BAR WITH ME, WHAT MAKES YOU THINK I'LL LET HIM IN MY PANTS?!
Randomize
