i went to disney world today with my friends, met snow white, then saw her later at a bar. she is naked next to me in her bed, passwed out. when you wish upon a star...
Please check on her. She announced that Thursday she'd open herself to any veteran so as to thank them for their service. "my services for your service" and left the bar with three numbers.
Def drinking wine from a 4 liter jug at 11 am. If i call you in 20 years talking about 12 steps, please trace is back to this moment.
It's sad that my net worth at the moment is 4 beers
fyi, she knows we call her the sperm bank. watch your back.
In less than 24 hrs I went from conversing with Nobel Laureate, to hangover vomiting in front of a drive thru cashier
Every single item that was in my fridge is now in my hot tub. Please help
It might have taken me 30 minutes but I finally finished the toast I made. That hungover.
Whatever dude, just dont tell her your first impression was she looked like your cousin. no judgement here. just sayin.
It feels like New Years Day all over again...me trying desperately not to throw up in the backseat & mom and dad blissfully unaware in the front
I had an epiphany. If a dude dressed up as Batman to ask me out, I'd prolly marry him.
Brah, we should get a "do not disturb sign"... I can't have people knocking on the door while I'm high, it fucks with me way too much.
I give out orgasms like candy and ride a motorcycle...how is that not appealing
He apologized for cumming on my leg, but not for ghosting me for 3 weeks before :(
And then he tried to convince me that he could wear a condom instead of pants to go out.
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