Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
Add "its too hot" to reasons why I don't get fucked anymore
Also do the "tongue the pee-hole" thing.
I'm like connect-the-dots of drunk. Whiskey, bourbon, vodka, rum, gin. The hidden picture is me faceplanting.
Sitting next to a retarded hot married man on the plane, I got 6.5 hrs to homewreck this shit.
After all you put him through, I think it was only right that you saluted the bartender when you left.
She started crying and told me to leave half way through, I'm walking down main with a bottle of patron and a sweatpants boner.
this better not be you asking for a beej
She said we couldnt stop drinking until there were enough bottles to make a fort. so we could have sex in our "bottle castle"
I swear that when we jog in the morning I can hear it slap between his thighs
I got a thank you card in the mail from the virgin i slept with on the camping trip. Weird or the new classy?
My dad made a joke about you sending me strippers for valentine's day so clearly everything here is normal
Have I showed you the picture of my vagina with a little bang flag coming out of it?
We're ordering chinese food so if you want to get on this obesity train answer me now.
Omg I literally just wanna sleep with you right now. Like actual sleep. Not sex. Well maybe. But sleep first
I guess it's too forward to greet him with a blow job?
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