Hey, kurt drew a penis on you and wrote my innotals. I had nothing to do a/ that.
i'm saving my butt for my wedding night
You sprayed lemon pledge on your crotch because it was "dusty"
I can do anything tonight that doesnt involve an erection.
He's very warm and cuddly, that's my favorite thing about him. Besides his Porche. And his hot brother.
I think I told some stripper my friend owned Groupon Last night
It is scary how often "just flash him" is your advice.
I have vodka soaked strawberries. My latest tarot card reading hinted at a lesbian/bisexual coming out. I doubt I survive the night.
What does puking wasabi feel like?
Like snorting cocaine backwards.
Guess who just got caught by mall security having sex in a car in the parking lot... at noon. This chick.
its ok, the prom king gave me his crown to puke in
I'll always remember 2012 as the year I hooked up with countless girls who had the sides of their heads shaved.
My tweets this weekend consisted of me telling every bar I went to that they were my favorite valentine. I've never felt like more of an alcoholic
I woke up with my wool blanket soaking wet on the dorm room floor, and my sweatshirt hanging on the shower door down the hall. So basically my camp-out-in-the-bathroom idea didn't turn out as planned
I just used my sisters cheerleading plaque and a children's book to crush up painkillers to snort. Happy Friday
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