I feel compelled to tell you that I woke up this morning and found an entire corn on the cob in my purse. Ive decided not to question my drunken behavior anymore, and to just accept it as my lifestyle.
#1 lesson to be learned from mardi gras this year: lock your car doors or some grimy dude like me might just bang in it and use your backseat as a kleenex
Could be my worst decision since the whole 'third degree burn' fiasco.
She called him at 5 AM so that he'd be ready for her birthday breakfast and drinks at 6. This is why people don't need to wait until their 21st to have their first drink.
You may now shotgun with the bride
i swear to god if you did anything to my honey bunches ill remove all the oats and shove them up your dickhole then play pinata with my foot to knock them all back out
I mean I kinda plunged vagina first into my last relationship
Is there a polite way to say "Sorry for your head injury but I still want to hook up"?
The trash can in my living room is full of Popsicle sticks and my vibrator has taken up permanent residence on my coffee table. I'm not doing anything productive. Clearly.
He's standing in the corner rubbing his nipples and reflecting on poor life choices
I woke up in an ill fitting childs tutu this morning and the shower curtain is knocked down. Wtf happened?
Being home for break is weird, just had a full convo with my dad about what I wanted for dinner, while a dildo was on top of me under my comforter
Can you please venmo me emergency money? i have no pants.
the girls would appreciate it if you invited over some drunk, single, straight men with low standards.
i just remember singing the theme song from 2 and 1/2 men to my hair
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