The Worst (noun)- 1. Getting up at 6am after a night of drinking. 2. Wearing a Peter Rabbit costume.
well we can cross tagging a chick in a movie theatre off the list of things to do before we die
That shit is worth it...they got medicine for that now a days
dude she has hot friends.. do you want blonde brunette or red head.. maybe asian?
what is this build-a-bear? .. just gimme one thats breathing
Some girl in the stall next to me just yelled "fuck yes i started my period!" she came out of the stall and we high fived. who am i to judge? i do that every month.
Met some locals. They are taking me to a place where there is topless bullriding. I love this country.
there should be laws that require people like to me to be on birth control.
My own vomit just splashed me in the face. How's your day going
its so hard to text. the buttons are tickling my fingers
How was my weekend? I just blew my nose and a gram of coke fell out. My weekend was fantastic.
that's how you measure success
By how bad my vagina hurts on a Tuesday morning while I'm trying to figure out how I got white girl wasted on a Monday?
I literally just told you I found out I masturbate in my sleep. I think we can be snapchat friends again
Maid of honor screwed up the joke so I just got to explain what a strap on is and why a married lady might want one to Grandma and my brother's wedding shower.
Just realized tomorrow is the anniversary of the time Dean and I glued DJ's leg back together with Neosporin and an Ace bandage. I'm bringing red velvet cupcakes to the party to celebrate.
So...I was fapping and during it, I got an Amber Alert notification...that's just bad timing.
Randomize
