My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
If it looks like I didn't change from last night, it's because I didn't.
ive realized i need to start an "avoid moving in with my parents after graduation" fund
I may or may not have just sent the bartender a pic of me in my slutty cheerleader costume with the caption "rah rah ree, gimme yo d"
I woke up at 3am, my head in a toilet, still at the kegger, wearing a random cowboy hat.
Lol he touched my butt after his grad party and a shooting star went by. No kidding. My ass is mystical.
His mom said he was in the ER and asked for prayers and positive thoughts. Apparently, me wishing the clap on him is not what she had in mind.
Stop acting like the Lucky Charms you're feeding people is actually ecstasy.
I made a bong out of my deodorant today. Did you?
At some point, I’d like to pretend that his penis is a popsicle.
I woke up in your kitchen with my ID in my hand and my nails were painted electric blue. Dude.... never let me have fireball again.
Why was I so drunk last night that I licked the bar and then the bartenders face? Why didn't you stop me? We can never go back there.
Theres just something about today that says lets get drunk, dont you think?
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