when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
He just asked me if I ever had the urge to put a zucchini in my ass.
I'm just sayin. Is it sad that I spent my last dollar on a hamburger just to get a paper bag to huff out of?
he just tried to lick my eyebrow. thats the deal breaker.
Tell your boyfriend I'm sorry for ruining his vein. I'm never drawing blood drunk again.
Green mimosas i think yes
Just took the worst coed shower ever. We both cried. AND I only shaved one leg.
Dear Derek. I would like to offer my sincerest apology for the 2 to 6 text messages you are about to read. Also for the 15 minute voicemail, which may or may not have sent. Sincerely, Sober Katie
Home. Barefoot. Drunk. Crying. Puked. Brushed teeth. Washed face. Dying. Need Cuddle.
Michelle asked what I was wearing tonight. I responded with a g-string and plastic wrap. I've gotten no response since.
Like do you hear me I PUKED IN MY OWN HANDS AND HE STILL SAID I WAS GORGEOUS
A big toe in my vag is not foreplay.
Plus it's a good way to scope out guys. Have them fight for you, like real males do in nature.
I slept awesome next to you. You're like an electric blanket that I can have morning sex with.
Trump won PA by a fucking landslide. If only Cruz hadn't eaten that booger.
Randomize
