I'm just looking at Lindsay Lohan's vagina.
Oh yea! I was just doing that too!
I just heard a woman call her child a butt face. Repeatedly. He's crying now. I love walmart.
you know it's time to start studying when you've procrastinated to the point where you're reading your roommate's ex-boyfriend's wall posts from 2006.
dude. i just ate tomato soup with a funnel. we're out of spoon-straws.
the kid throwing up and laying face down on the deck just asked ME if I'M okay...
ever have one of those nights where you feel like you should leave the house with your insurance card? that is tonight, my friend.
I hope my shame shaped pee stain outside your door goes away soon.
So apparently I threw a potted plant at a clown last night and told him to get his life together.
I was only out of town for 1 week. His cell records show he texted 63 ex-gfs and hookups while I was gone. And 10 condoms are missing.
Occasionally I curse my inner 15 year old when I'm fulfilling their dreams as a slut, but I roll with it.
Third base with a 7ft basketball player last night. Fingers like a champ. I call him Edward Penishands.
Hey mom, soo do we have a family lawyer or am I on my own for that?
I'm never drinking again. I saw way more penises than I ever cared to see last night. And I've decided that I'm going to live in Scotland.
I need an explanation for both of these epiphanies.
It's Breast Cancer Awareness Month!!!! What random hook up should check my tata's this year?!?!
You can now call me Rabbi, and I can now perform weddings, funerals, and other services in all fifty states. You're welcome, world.
Randomize
