the fact that i fell through a skylight is the least humiliating part of the night
I just licked the seasoning off all the doritoes in the bag. Tell me when I should stop drinking or I'll just move on to the sunchips
i feel like you're just hanging onto the edge of functioning wino.
Walked in on my boss having phone sex at work... and somehow this didnt bother nor embaress him
I ate goldfish off your shoulder, I think we had bigger issues
Last awkward moment of 2011: your ex gf grinding on me in front of her husband.
I don't text first unless I'm hammered...so ya I text first a lot
He's worked out some sort of arangment where all three of them are dating each other and they've all moved into an apt. with two king beds pushed together
A true beacon of hope in these dark times
I rolled over and my thoughts became words and I said "oh fuck not you again" he didn't think that was too kind and asked me to leave
Yeah that doesn't involve enough booze, count me out
and everyone will high five me and girls will approach me offering blowjobs
Never play truth or dare with a girl who carries a dildo in her purse. I'll never go to a Denny's again.
when I type Christina's, my phone's predictive text assumes my next word is boobage
We need to catch up immediately. I took ecstasy and made out with carrot face this weekend.
Let me atleast have my coffee before you start talking about your penis
Randomize
