Marriage: a sacred union between one man and one woman, and another woman in Argentina.
my sisters under your porch take her home
So how was awkward coffee with forgets-your-name?
The mystery gender stripper never showed up with that party burrito last night.
Roommate is eating a chimichanga, watching Dr Doolittle 2 and weeping. His Tuesday hangovers make me feel better about my life.
Can I tell him I got herpes from your bong instead of from that guy who claimed to be an olympic diver?
I'm not taking advise from someone who responded to the pickup line "I have a penis"
All of her cloths were on our coffee table this morning. The only things she left with last night were her shoes and Scott
I'm watching porn in spanish. Thats studying right?
You put on some guys Birkenstocks that were abandoned on the dance floor overtop of your flats. Then ran out of the bar high gives the bouncer and said "look at my new kicks" then he was like woah wait a minute someone is missing those and made you return them. You were very upset
whoa whoa whoa, you're saying I shouldn't post pics of you balls deep in a southern hottie?
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
I made an executive decision to rename my Resume file to something other than MONEYMONEYMONEY.
If you don't respond in the next 30min, I'm going to assume your in a sex coma, in jail, or dead... All of which I've become accustomed to, and will follow the appropriate channels of notification once you notify me.
I woke up this morning hand cuffed to the bed with three bruised ribs and Amy written in lipstick on my chest... what happen lastnite??
Randomize
