omg i forgot michael madsen was in free willy this is the most epic movement of my stoned life
I need to hang out with girls who make more mistakes
you know it takes a lot for me to use utensils conservatively
Just whatever you do please don't lick his face again.
Met my future wife peeing in the men's room. I stood in for the missing door on the stall. We really hit it off talking about how her butt didn't even touch the seat from all the years of squat lifting in high school.
Sweet tea and masterbation. It's how I manage.
I started singing I believe I can fly in the shower and it was like the first stage of insanity
What eyeshadow color says "yes I am at the dentist, and yes I am hungover please don't judge my life choices"
Are cops allowed to hit on you if they're in uniform?! Serious question.
He's over here like "remember those pics you sent me a couple years ago? Those were hot." And I'm like "remember talking about what we were gonna name our kids a couple months ago? That was hot." Therein lies the disconnect
now that we broke up we are playing hot potato with the cock ring.. Poor thing just needs a home
Made him watch 4 hours of HGTV then told him I was too tired for sex.
Savage
I would say don't do anything I wouldn't do, but we both know I forget about my personal safely when getting laid is on the line
Dude, I wish I could live my entire life blacked out.
i literally have the attention span of a weasel on steroids, but yeah, i know who you’re talking about.
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