That chick was all over your bacon last night, grinding on you, I thought you were going to bang her in the club
Dude it was a lap dance
While I was fucking her, they came in and served us both weed from a hookah. best. friends. ever.
Its like I instantly had a mental image of me in my mugshot.
they just named my boobs. Lefty is "Guenevere" and Righty is "I claim this boob for America"
I was really excited when he said that condoms didn't fit him, then he added "they fall right off"...
All right cuz right now I'm in one of those moods where the shear thought of doing anything more strenuous than making a sandwich has me wanting to curl up in the feeble position and splash around in a puddle of my own tears.
For once I am not in the mood. My vagina is good with life at the moment.
The apocalypse has arrived.
It's a good thing my liver is flexible because a lesser man would be dead
Sent him a nude and I forgot to crop out the Jesus picture in the background. The Catholic guilt is too real.
Adderal can only make me focus so much. Your ass is stronger than my medicine. Congratulations.
All I want is a hot dog on a Saturday at 2:19 is that to much to ask?!
Every time Brady gets sacked I cum a little...
I told my parents how nice the girl at the frogurt store was. I neglected to mention that I nearly lost my virginity to her via foursome.
Remind me to do laundry tomorrow so i have something decent to take off when i get laid.
Santi's no longer allowed to buy booze in my lane. Last thing I need is a midlife crisis looking at his Id again.
Randomize
