some girl just asked me how to spell unconscious. I really want to know what she was texting.
you go from almost hooking up with the hottest guy at the party, to going home with your ex....how is that even mathematically possible
Just bought a McDouble with a tightly rolled dollar. The lady just gave me a sad face...
I think my sister is getting tired of me breaking into her house so I can sleep with random girls when shes not there
My dad wants to dress like mitt Romney tomorrow night and tell trick or treaters they owe him candy.
Ugh I need to clean my floors/walls/ I actually don't understand why boys get drunk and pee on things
Next time one of us has a party everybody has to wear a diaper. But actually you just need a shit ton of disinfectant wipes and maybe a hazmat suit.
Did you know that taking off a bra with teeth burns ninty calories?
DOMA is dead. I'm definitely going to be the last of our friends to get married now.
The night before doing drugs with your bro is like Christmas Eve that made love to thanksgiving that made love a virgin.
Your boobs stole my birthday thunder!
Hmmm... I thought we agreed as a group we make our last stand in Philly...
I don't wanna go out like that. Covered in melted cheese smelling like a sewer rat...
Just to clarify, i'm coming over for tacos not a threesome
We lost a person.... if you see a man in yellow shorts and nothing else walking around let me know...
The dog peed on the neighbors baby Jesus. No wonder she thinks we're the devil.
His ass is a ten, but his personality is a two. Which would average to a six if I didn't have to figure in apologizing to all and sundry. In short hard no. Get a new wingman.
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