i only hope i can top last weeks sext session
i just found out that washing ur bong in the dishwasher works. its been a productive day
Hey guys, just to let you know, I have a boyfriend...so that hookup was kind of a one time thing.
was that a mass text??
You kept telling me to "raw dog" your take home breathalyzer without the mouthpiece
Why was I handcuffed to the roof?
It was easier then trying to explain why you couldn't fly
i bought another $5 worth of vodka. with change. i look like a homeless alcoholic. i need your dino cups or else i'll be forced to make a giant jello bowl shot
the beer staff turned into a beer spear way to quickly
I need the number of a restaurant that delivers, has lock-picking abilities, and is okay with full frontal male nudity. Entirely too hungover to get out of bed.
Stripper with the black hair and lip rings is still asleep. Found out she wasn't lying when she said she was a squirter, it was like splash mountain.
Hey I'm not sure why your jacket's covered in maple syrup but I just realized you didn't leave the house earlier wearing a jacket...
Shit, my parents are coming over and I just realized that a grinder is not an acceptable paperweight
I just need a text that says "put that food down bitch" and then maybe I'll lose water weight through tears
I feel like the way dolphins mate would be the approach that a guy would have to use in order for you to sleep with them
I have a knack for carnage and poetic language.
My relationship: I'm wearing batman panties and a tiara right now trying to get laid and he's doing dishes.
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