when your english prof writes "this was a real good paper" on your essay, you know you're at the wrong college
And then he used the flashlight app to illuminate me giving him head. Thanks IPhone
His dick looked like E.T.'s finger. It scared me.
Meanwhile I am sitting on the couch with a 32 ounce rum and coke trying to decide if I'm too drunk to go get french fries.
Just got tipped $5 for distracting some dude's gf while he got another girl's number. Bro-code at its finest.
If it was designed to hold water, it was designer to hold wine
I'm pretty sure I swallowed a whole condom
I just remembered that last night I ate nachos off of someone else's table with a stranger
I got to see a stripper that did magic last night. It was glorious.
She started giving me head while we were watching the Walking Dead premiere, WORST BJ EVER.
Sorry. My phone died in the middle of you explaining why we would never work as a couple. Whatever you were gonna say, I probably agree.
He's gonna be so upset when he get's a real job and can't do serious drugs.
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
Because of you I can never eat chicken nuggets without thinking of you fucking him. I hope youre happy. I really do.
The hump and dump is a beautiful thing
Randomize
