i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
I just wanted to say sorry for trying to jack off your dog last night.
It was unlikely that the relationship was going to end with anything other than antibiotics.
I just peeled a layer of cum off my eyelid. Don't even tell me that's not why you came over
triple team girl just facebook chatted me. do i tell her i had a nice time?
Also, turning on the light this morning was a 3 step process. Way too hungover.
He's bought his dick a cell phone. A cell phone. For his dick...
He gave me the number and told me that I if I want to hook up again, I have to call his penis.
The packers need to win more often, Andrew keeps drunk calling me and confessing his undying love for me in between puking and taking more shots.
I don't want to ruin date night, but you have no idea how hard it is to poop whilst looking at cute puppies.
I just wish I had a snapshot of his attempted front flip off the bar. There are some things that are worth getting a life ban for, and the moment of impact with his foot and that lady's face was one of those things.
That moment when your whole family facetimed you just moments before you threw up all over the entire living room
im lying in bed trying to choke myself out because being awake hurts too much
He compared my ass to "a 13 year old track star's ass." Umm WTF? Is that supposed to be a compliment? And when I questioned boy or girl he said "either."
I have already been up, showered, had a cup of coffee brought to me, added a little rum to cure the hangover, had sex and kicked him out and it's only 1pm. Successful day so far.
I was floored. Like way less concerned with him using drugs than I am with him not believing in evolution.
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