Funny, I didnt know that facebook statuses were for crappy song lyrics
just joined the mile high club. if this plane crashes because of this text, it was worth.
If you get me so fucked up I can't use the microwave , I'm going to be so mad at you
I had to explain to the waiter that I'm not the DD because I can't drive, but as the Designated 'Make Sure No One Gets Roofied Or Hit By A Car On The Walk Home'-er, I should still get the free drinks.
Ok not good, my info has definitely been submitted to this sugar daddy website before.
I'm watching my cat lick a used condom wrapper on my nightstand and I'm too hungover to move and do anything about it. Tequila Tuesdays can not be a thing.
I figured it out! The supermoon explains how I managed to have sex with 3 dudes in 3 nights without leaving the apartment.
I want falafel more than sex right now. That's really saying something for me...
Just responding to the most professional request I've ever gotten to get shitfaced.
I downloaded the presidential playlists for offline listening. And Obama made a night one so we have presidential approved fuck jamzzzzz. Thanks Obama!
No feeling is better than coming home from your booty call and putting on a fresh pair of granny panties
Just imagine a dick squawking like a parrot
sam was dropping a deuce next to me. wrote me a note that said "glad we shared this experience." passed it under the wrong stall. the other guy picked it up. that's all I know so far.
I'm literally watching a webcam of the Vegas strip right now and it is making me sad.
You went after him with a sword while screaming “FAJITAS!”. And Todd was dressed as a Goth for some reason
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