one two three fourrrrnication!
shit pants at work. discarded underwear.
just showed this text to the guy at west elm. luckily we did not stool ourselves in the midst of the ensuing hilarity. so you're commando now?
yep! most awkward part is that i was a few feet away from a client, talking and looking him in the eye. i've never stooled while looking someone directly in the eye.
my little brother just told me that I should start chasing my vodka with slim fast. genious.
Mark my words im gonna be the drunkest groomsman outta spite for him having his wedding on a gameday
Someday you'll be stoned enough to create a one-person step team and then you'll understand
Carson kissed me on my cold sore before I could stop him so I think I gave my kid herpes. Mom of the year. Just call me MOTY.
Found a piece of twizzler in my buttcrack.
YOU MAKE ANAL SEX SOUND LIKE A SPORTING EVENT
Nothing like drunkenly buying a pregnancy test at 8 am to get out and realize your nip was out the whole time.
2:34, make a wish! I wish I wasn't on acid at Planned Parenthood. What's yours?
I'm so festive that I used my jack o lantern bucket as a just in case barf bin
Are you missing a tooth after last night? Because I found one in my coat pocket...along with what smells like dried jäger and a package of deer jerky.
Uh not that I recall.
Oh wait nvm. It's mine. Yeup, definitely my tooth.
The magnum condom fits. I feel like a manly version of cinderella
How long do I have to listen to him talk about the chickens before telling him I just really want to fuck? Note: it's already been twelve minutes.
My history professo slid into my DMs. Granted I did give him “fuck me” eyes during a lecture a few times.
Randomize
