that's the ideal party shoe. cute, but i can still puke in them.
She came over with Guinness cupcakes, a case of Mickeys, wearing an Ireland flag & nothing else.
somehow we got the entire party to start singing "ill make a man out of you" from mulan. needless to say, that kid had the best keg stand i'd ever seen.
I asked a lamppost to be my valentine. Also: I'm wearing a sombrero. We need more sombrero in our lives.
Then she cat effected the picture of my dick I sent her the other night. I'm in love.
Ahh you know it's going to be a long day when you mistake a beer for a sprite at 10:30 in the morning while babysitting
Just woke up in his bed wearing only his shoes. I don't know how to gently say hey dude get the fuck up and take me home....regardless these are some nice shoes.
You christened everyone with a powdered doughnut and then tried to absorb vodka with your nipple.
She told me that for every Ravens touchdown, I'd get to come once.
Marry her. Marry her now. I'll help you steal the ring.
I was so drugged up it was amazing, I felt like a dinosaur "because I enjoyed spinach, and I got apple juice and only dinosaurs get apple juice" according to me the day of, and last night I felt like a rocket ship
My TA is here with a sombrero and an entire bottle of Svedka. Skip jury duty.
PENIS EMOJIS WOULD MAKE MY LIFE SO MUCH EASIER GAH WHY DOES THE WORLD HATE ME
Speaking of, what are you doing next weekend? I'm going to a rope bondage seminar and may need a partner if my date bails.
So I ate half a jar of mayo because I thought it would cure a hangover. I thought wrong.
That bitch claimed that you said it was ok if she drank your vodka. Obviously she has never met you
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