between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
is it customary for a bride to wear white even if she's a whore? i feel tie-dye would have been more accurate
We should probably just have a threeway and get everyone on the same page.
We need to stop celebrating holidays that dont belong to us
make sure nobody uses the downstairs toilet. i like to have an unused toilet for the weekends. dont shit where you puke i always say.
It's like if you got one of your titties chopped off...think of how much one would miss the other...that's how I feel when we're apart. A tit with no twin.
thanks for the 52 voicemails of you and crystal reciting the pleg of allegance
Just had that moment when you realize the two drunk women shoving all their money down your clothes were your middle school teachers...
He should be castrated
Nah he might accidentally come while they're cutting it off. Wouldn't be fair to the surgeons
I fucking hate you. Some slutty looking drunk chick backed her ass up across the bar and started grinding on you. You ignored her because you didn't want to share you drink
I care about my drink far more than her feelings
Dude if I call tonight please answer and just say "NO, dont do it."
BAT SHIT CRAZY
It's you're fault, even though I never called
I know this is super early in advance but can I borrow your horse mask on 4/20
I never saw such an emotional argument over yellow vs. spicy mustard.
New drinking game, drink every time Rhianna says "Work" in her new song.
Do you know anything about how the saran wrap ended up on my toilet seat?
Randomize
