Why would you say my penis is small in front of so many people?
you know it's bad when you need sunglasses to open the refrigerator
Went biking. Saw homeless guy beating in the park. Thought of you <3
i want you to know that after i type the word "your" , vagina is next on my auto correct text
Why not. Its my b-day, you're in town, I'm in town, bars are in town, and alcohol is in town. I don't see anything not good about those things.
False alarm I know hes alive because when i tried shaking him awake he pissed his pants and rolled over..
I woke up to find that chris drank one of my contacts.
Yeah he's good at that.
My bed smells like stale sex...I want it to smell like fresh sex, I miss you.
Would be in best interest to sanitize the DVDs
Yes... I'll kill two birds with one crazy ecstacy filled night.
dude I just found tht weird ass guy u invited last night passed out in my closet.... apparently he "couldn't find the exit"
as your best friend, I hope we never outgrow 'I Just Got Laid' texts
You yelled "Everybody!!! Round of applause to Jill for not doing anal!!" Right in front of him.
I walked into the bathroom and there's this 6'5" cop washing his hands. He looks at me and goes, "Heard you singing outside. Sound real pretty."
No more tequila EVER.
I was pretty sure he wouldn't be into me after I fucked his brother, and then his best friend, and yet, here I am doing lines off his stomach
Randomize
