Did we have sex last night?
I think that was the general idea until I got you undressed and you puked on me.
he sent her a picture of his penis to show that he "trusts her" or some shit like that..well she showed it to me, and let me just tell you..it looked like a freaking slug or something. creepiest penis i've ever seen. hands down
I told him to go down on me and when he did he started crying!! I asked him why and he said my vag looked just like his ex girlfriends!!!
she's on the floor slapping my dogs face with slices of pizza
Just for future reference: milk is NOT a good mixer no matter how drunk you are.
Just found the cutest bag of coke under my bed. I'm going to get fucked up and bleach the cat vomit out of my sheets.
You said that when your ex gave you a blowjob her mouth was like velvet
That's what he gets for shittin at the strip club. Who does that??
Literally the only clue I have to try and figure out my blackout adventures is a draft on twitter that just says "Mummies alive!"
future reference: when you get a text that says "WARNING: EXPLICIT PHOTOS BEING DELIVERED. VIEWERS DISCRETION IS ADVISED." you always open the attached picture.
I'm not even the least bit surprised that I whored myself out for tiramisu
We are making a pool on how long he stays sober this time you want in?
I told him I might be pregnant and he said he'd buy me a test and a twix bar. I'm marrying him. Tomorrow.
I climbed on the arm of the futon, flapping my hand fan frantically and hissing imprecations at the smoke detector
this is the 3rd time this week I've gone to the liquor store to stock up for the next 2 weeks
Randomize
