Thanks for last night it was amazing as always
What are you talking about
You've got to be kidding me
I dreamt Michael Jackson dropped his pants in front of me and I had to ignore it.
god is playing jersey shore on new years on purpose. he wants me to play drinking games and die. i wish he knew how serious this is.
On the bright side, nobody died. Please bring me back my left shoe. I have work in an hour.
Babysitting for someone you accidently sent nudies to is so fucking awkward.
If I don't end up being a booty call for Valentine's Day, you wanna go to the movies?
You told me to ditch them in the park, and when she jumped onto the car to stop us, you told me to scrape her off against a parked Jeep. That drunk.
Is it bad that all my wine bottles have teeth marks in the cork?
You knew you'd end up at his house the minute you emptied the bowl of condoms into your purse.
If I showed up at your door with pizza and a bottle of tequila wearing nothing but chaps and a fireman helmet, would you send me away?
hey at least you are getting hit on, i spent all day researching cat sedatives
If the world ends and i have no vodka please just kill me.
The dicks good but it's not two trains and a bus good.
I'm fairly sure I accidentally saw my dad naked last night
We’ve got a propane heater on our back porch if you want to come over and eat a McRib in peace
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