I was thinking about baking his mom "sorry you found out i was sleeping with your son" cupcakes
I'm drinking keystone with a homeless man I found. It's making me feel uncomfortable.
Doing "bucket stands" with buckets of margarita. Don't tell me it's not a good idea.
Are you seriously gonna shit with that life vest on?
You know who really doesn't like surpise in-your-face air guitar solos? Strangers.
On the way home she put on a necklace with her name on it and wrote my name in sharpie across my chest so that in the morning we could avoid the awkward Idk who the fuck you are conversation. Best. Girl. Ever.
So, since you're now a four night stand, I feel comfortable asking: Did I leave my sunglasses at your house? Or my underwear?
Why on earth is he slamming his body into the wall again?
Jake and I will do a protection ritual for ur dick I don't know where she has been
He's writing a strongly worded email to Trojan right now
I TOLD YOU THE BARESKIN CONDOMS WEREN'T AS RELIABLE.
Cheez-its and a bottle of cab...for under $10 you could win this girls heart
CUM CAME OUT OF MY NOSE. MY SINUSES ARE ENTIRELY FUCKED UP NOW BC OF THE CUM TRAVELING IN PLACES IT SHOULD NOT HAVE.
I have his gate key so know he has to see me again.
it wasnt that bad
you tried to climb into my fireplace while screaming TO DIAGON ALLEY! we didnt even watch harry potter. it was bad
Forget work, lets run away, rob banks, and have kinky sex with fuzzy handcuffs.
IT'S LIKE YOU READ MY MIND.
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