I just saw a girl wearing a flannel shirt that would make 1992 cringe
She does have a great personality.
Yeah, in her vagina.
I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
you just kept yelling NO BUENO SENOR at the cashier and throwing coins at him, of course you were going to get kicked out of the grocery store
Woke up this morning to my mom on the phone with my dad saying, "It's probably just your prostate." Reasons to move out. Go.
he told her to call him "Frog Legs" and she still fucked him and not you.
I tried to show my boob for free volcano tacos at taco bell last night. Not boobs. Just boob. The manager wasn't allowing it.
You know I told you about that hammering at 3 AM yesterday? Turns out it was Holly beating the lock out of her door with a mallet because she'd forgotten her keys.
Doesn't she keep a spare?
Drunk Holly doesn't listen to Sober Holly's plans.
Watching the dude who probably knocked me up be all cute with his girlfriend on my couch. I am too nice, and I hate today.
He is really real. Like I know where he works, have referenced him with mutual fb friends and I've seen his dick. He's real.
The only reason I can fathom that you've been able to continue to date new people this long is that women continue to become of age each year, and the younger ones don't know any better.
You may be fancy. But you'll never be having cheesy garlic bread and scotch at 3am fancy.
He asked me while we were fishing why the passion was gone when we have sex. It's official...I am the dude in this relationship.
so, i take that as a legit invitation into his pants
Only you could get too drunk for taco bell. I don't know if I'm jealous or ashamed. Go to bed.
Randomize
