my hangover today makes thursday's feel like a bubble bath.
I just woke up to three voicemails from you. In the first one you just straight laughed for 3 minutes. In the second you did bird calls. In the third you were hysterically crying. Have fun last night?
Cops said there's a crazy dude with a mask in my neighborhood. Don't get stabbed.
If he was naked that was me.
I'm at the perfect height to walk up to the corner of my mom's stove and rest my balls on it. Just thought you'd like to know they're warm.
Thats not what we're looking for. I want this kid to suck a lolly pop out of a stripper's snatch.
Let us do this. Tomorrow night is thirsty Thursday. Let us drink whiskey from the bottle and have men in plastic gloves inscribe permanent images of each others faces onto our buttocks.
I'll explain later but basically I was feeling dangerous, I'm dressed as Ann Romney and Ann Romney is a bad bitch.
note to self: shower sex when you have 7 stitches in your leg is never a good idea. never.
There is an alarming amount of urine in here.
I'm going to have to have a long talk with god if my soul mate has a prince albert
Me too like the fact they didn't arrest me wants to send them an edible arrangement
Where are you and why are you fighting with a bird?
I know I'm moving in six days but getting wine drunk and laying in bed just sounds so good right now
I worry about your feelings an awful lot for somebody who gets off on making you cry
I just compared my relationship to that double ended dong scene from Requiem. This day just took a turn.
Randomize
