so the chest pain/shortness of breath/overdose guy we just took to tm hospital is now running down market street from the police in a gown holding his iv.
I'm drinking rum and coke straight from the 2 liter bottle.
First day at work... I clogged up the office toilet on purpose to assert my dominance.
Apparently we had sex last night, and then I made him drive me to the beach so I could puke in the ocean.
I don't really know I'm just giving her a key to get back in and the "don't get pregnant speech" and leaving it at that.
we can't get the sharpie off the toilet seat from where you pressed your forearm with THUG LIFE written on it while you puked until 3 last night
Ya I painted "STOP TRYING ANAL" on her headboard. I'm sick of listening to her whine through the wall and bitch the next day.
I want to reach into my vagina and rip out my uterus with my bare hands. Understand how much it hurts now?
Trying to stay sober at a family function but hiccuping so fucking loud. "Have you been drinking?" I hit on my cousin so yeah. I have been drinking.
Tell me why i have 60 matches in 72 hours on tinder. Can i sell my tinder account like people used to sell their myspace pages and tumblrs when they had a lot of followers? Is that a thing?
It got weird I got a phone call while looking at porn and the video started playing while on the phone full on porn audio.
Have you ever looked at someone and thought…oh honey, you're too pretty for an ankle monitor
I don't really want to explain what i mean by this so just answer yes or no. are 5 cows enough?
You know its awkward when your mom walks in on you and your boyfriend yelling surprise....I was scared into an orgasm
My professor just said irregardless, get me out of here
I guess he's ir-illiterate
Randomize
