I think the universe is against us being together. Or maybe it's just god's way of telling me there is a bigger dick out there for me.
I'm like connect-the-dots of drunk. Whiskey, bourbon, vodka, rum, gin. The hidden picture is me faceplanting.
I'm taking last night back. It officially didn't happen. Tell your friends.
Rooting for you and your team in the Beer Olympics this afternoon...! Love you, Mom
4 to the list in one week. Slutsville isn't as fun as the brochure promised.
You left your underwear on the fireplace
Ok, was I really fucked up or was there a chick from Norway in the ice cream shop teaching us Norwegian last night?
those were not strange pants with a really large waist band...it took me 3 days to realize I was wearing someone's sweater as pants
I don't think I will ever be as happy about anything as this man next to me on the bus eating Taco Bell.
I flashed my cleaning lady and don't remember who I went on a date with. I know who I woke up with though, that counts right?
He couldn't get his dick hard. So he started yelling at it. " EVERYONE is laughing at you, you piece of shit no wonder you can't get pussy" i wonder if that happens frequently I'll try again next weekend
It's volleyball. Just do it. You want to look sporty. Save sexy librarian for another day.
So it turns out strippers do encores if enough people yell. Encore song: Self Esteem.
I absolutely love waking up to see my phone search history is "xj" "qj" "cj" "uj" and "kj"
I just realized u compared me to a coconut
Randomize
