I woke up to a text that said "You're a fucking asshole" Why is she so pissed at me?
Im guessing it has something to do with running up to her boyfriend screaming "THIS IS SPARTA" and kicking him in the balls.
Is that considered a cock block?
my neighbors are having lesbo sex right now.
I'm on my way.
No, I'm not keeping her! I can't become an adulterer and a dog stealer in the same 24 hours...
It was the classiest, most strategic and inspired vomiting I've ever witnessed. Like a blind mans first sunrise. A priests first prayer. Or a virgins first orgasm.
He asked me what I wanted the cake to say and I then asked him if "I'm sorry for throwing up in your bed last night" was too long. He said it was...
oh my god. picked the worst day ever to not wear underwear...
I'm just gonna stop you right there because there is, in fact, no such thing.
you told me your favorite colors were "pink" "no pants" and "Mexican food"
I am lonely and hungry. I need a girlfriend, but I'd settle for my mom.
Just spilled a coffee mug full of scolding hot oatmeal on my bare dick. Hope you're having a good Friday night too.
She has that type of face she reminds me of that weird girl from napoleon dynamite only taller and with hoop earrings.
We were both too drunk to drive home. So we did it in the coat closet and then I walked home. 20/20 hindsight: Could have both walked to my apartment and then had sex there.
Like I'm not tryna become president or marry a doctor or some shit here, like one level above garbage is all I'm asking for
Just got thrown out of the club for making condom water balloons. I'm not ashamed.
I can't talk, I can't walk, I think I'm twitching and I'm not even sure if I'm typing this. Help
I Projectile vomited a massive question mark on Brent's bedroom wall. Don't tell him it was me. I want him to play the whodunit game.
Randomize
