So I just opened the bag you gave me and those panties aren't mine...
oh
It was awkward until we both realized our obsessions with harry potter and sangrias were the same. Now were in love.
You need tk get a life and stop texting me about fictional characters. I don't give a shit.
You were running around the house with a purple crayon asking people to call you harold..
i should start naming my morning wood
great idea but wrong number
my family just sang happy birthday to baby jesus. no ones even drunk yet
I never thought I would say the free bottle of grey goose was the problem but it was
The amount of my urine my roommate has consumed after I found out he's been eating my food almost offsets how angry I am
Now I have to set an alarm for less than 6 hours from now to wake her up, get her showered and get her to her first day of tutoring a kid from her church. WTF is my life?
I'm so excited you texted me but I'm way to high to process it
The fact that I can sew my leggings while intoxicated proves I'm a functioning alcoholic
Take off your clothes and see if he wants to have sex, that's a good way to find out
Don't tell him that you hope he dies in a boring missionary position with his wife. That doesn't go over well.
Crust to egg proportion prescribes to a pedantic form of quiche. It's like saying breakfast pizza isn't pizza at all.
so he's a sleeptalker.
yeah??
"Mitochondria is the powerhouse of the cell" right in my ear. 2 am.
Took an adderall for the first time in a few weeks. Spent 45 minutes peeling an orange TO PERFECTION.
Randomize
