TRUE LIFE: my roommate is growing a bush.
better yet, TRUE LIFE: my roommates boyfriend begged her to grow a bush.
Struggs. It's also 90 degrees out but I'm not sure I can feel heat or cold any more. Too hungover.
Friends help friends remove their foot from the sunroof after an epic smoke sesh.
I feel like I just gave a blowjob to a freight train.
She described me as " a caterpillar of adorable quietness that exploded into a slutty butterfly" She definitely nailed it there
Out of all the people in the house to show their tits at mcdonalds to try and get free food, they picked those two?
I hurt so much. Not in the emotional way, but in the I went to dive bars sorta way.
He put chocks of wood in front of his doors to stop me from leaving. I'm not nearly drunk enough for that to be appropriate behaviour.
I just remembered you throwing bread at me and getting me to drink water out of a heineken bottle. You are my best friend.
He sent me a selfie with his cat. He has found a way to my heart. And pants.
I'm trying to cause a divorce, your hooking up with a felon, I think we need Jesus.
Aww well I’m kinda unsober so probably best
Gotta love college... Pregamed for my 8:30 flight home this morning and gave the flight attendants all high fives when I got on the plane. Best ride of my life.
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
Apparently my hair turned out really good because I got my butthole licked by a stranger last night
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