i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
Through a series of unfortunate circumstances, I think I just sprayed lime juice on my vagina.
I Just realized that having a picture folder that says "not for mom" may give off the wrong impression to wondering eyes
Clearly, I'm already going to hell, so there's no point in trying anymore.
I made out with the bride. You tell me how my night was
I remember sucking his bleeding finger and then it's all black until he had his hand down my pants.
we've decided to start cutting you off when you can't figure out how to work an ipod.
I woke up on the ground next to a bed of naked men. I'm either a drunken genius or the enemy....
I feel so much better about my break up knowing that he's having his 26th birthday at Rollar kingdom\n
This morning I found four opened yet full beers on my desk and my towel rack pulled off the wall and in bed with me
I know you've been in hospital with meningitis, but last night I walked into a streetlight and bruised my penis so who's really suffering here
If I die, sorry about rent.
Update on my sex life: my calves are sore from masturbating too much. It's a thing. Look it up.
If there's a nuclear war you can come over. I'll feed you soup and you can rig up car batteries to power the coffee pot and toaster. We can grow tomatoes and chickens.
Are you drinking tequila at 1pm? ...at Disneyland?
Randomize
