Thats not how I planned it, its just the way she passed out
when i say i joined a midget dating site why do u assume i was drunk
they hired a photographer to take a family portrait for grandmas bday gift. we just hired a male stripper. we are def the better grandkids.
you handed me your bra at the bar and said 'hold my purse'
Oh my god it just tripped me out that I used to be a baby, I had to tell you.
the tow truck driver and i bonded while discussing our experiences with four lokos
He looks like he has a penis
What the fuck
A good one, a good penis
There are topless girls riding the lawn flamingos. I win.
You owe me $8 for the carwash I needed after you threw the salmon on my windshield.
The nurse gave me a funny look when I said I thought I have an std in my throat. Bet she only does it missionary too
you missed an awesome concert last night. some middle aged woman that was grinding on me kept trying to stick her hand down my pants. i ended up rewarding her tenacity by letting her hold onto it for a song, i think it made her night.
They made out. Sounded like hippos drinking water
Seriously. My vagina. Can we talk about it? It's gonna jump off this treadmill and devour my trainer.
Posting happy birthday to my grandpa on Facebook.... Then realizing my profile pic is me dressed as a slutty cop when he used to be a police officer.
i meant to type that i went to that party for shits and giggles, but my phone corrected me and said for shots and goggles...either one works
Randomize
