i tried to light my apt on fire. reasons why drunks and women should not cook
I dont get chicks, its like they only care about themselves and money
sounds like you understand them just fine
One of my residents in my hall just found my positive pregnancy test from last year I hid behind the fridge, I'm just going to tell them it was for a science project.
I have started doing my homework in bars. It just feels right.
Im sitting alone watching titanic. Drunk. Without pants. Holding a fishing pole. Im pretty sure im okay with all of this.
We ate a mysterious delivered pizza which no one ordered and then the wii wouldn't work so 20 of us watched porn on two laptops. Drunk took the awkward away.
Jesus horatio Christ I forgot my mittens and am considering shoving my hands down the pants of the first semi attractive man I see
The guy next to me just said he wont play beer pong on principle. Im scared.
Did you have ill-advised lesbian sex on the deathbed of their relationship?
Of course. Go big or go home.
You're my fucking queen.
I bet Billy Ray Cyrus wishes he had pulled out now....
We went to Olive Garden so high we didn't talk and managed to be awkward enough for the waiter to ask if it was our first date
i don't remember much about your party last weekend but i remember you being so drunk you were crying in your driveway about pickles at four am
tell your brother to quit sending me his dick pics what am i going to do with them print them out and shove them up my ass???
She passed out in my baby sister's room so we put her in one of my grandma's diapers, put a pacifier in her mouth, put her in my sister's crib and took pictures.
He was so drunk last night. He woke up out of a dead sleep at 330am, walked over to the dresser, opened his middle drawer and proceeded to pee. When I woke up and asked him Wtf he was doing, he told me it was fake pee and blamed it on the cat...we don't have a cat
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