but i have a bet that her boyfriend is going to try and deflower her tonight so i better get a move on if i want to videotape it
he was fingering me, then looked down and said "i like your socks"
all you kept saying from the spare room was "can you bring me a puke bowl...and the cat"
just saw way to many penises for it being 5 o'clock on a thursday
Look, if he's not the brother with three nipples, I'm just not interested.
I hate when people see you passed out in your front yard and call 911. Like what, you can't take a nap face down on your steps at 4pm?
He kept humping my leg and whispering "dont worry, thats my phone not my penis"
Is this the 6 foot tall blonde I screwed in the bar last weekend?
In the bar?! Very impressive! But keep guessing!
He tried to puke in the 14th hole and when I told him to stop he started chanting "hole in one hole in one"
Drinking a pint every 8 mins right now. Power hour aint shit.
Good luck
Trying doe a second hour and I.cant open my eyes
It must suffice lest there secretly exist a picture of me walking out of the ocean at midnight naked and half mast with a sea urchin on my ass
This whole having a new phone thing is like starting all over in life with a clean slate! (My old text convos are gone)
New phone new life!
I just had a 10 minute staring contest with my dog. Can you come over?
I woke up in the bathtub with money shoved down my pants. I must've done something right.
sometimes i forget what nice tits i have and then i spend a month brushing my teeth naked in the front of the bathroom mirror, and i remember.
Randomize
