I feel like someone was just looking at my memory and took out an eraser and was like "nope he doesnt need that"
shes still asleep dad put a lobster in her bathroom
Nope it's him. He's whispering to himself and buying asparagus.
oh and if she happens to say anything about a cantalope and tissues... just go with it
A friday night jus isn't the same if the cops don't raid my dorm
Did you push me into the oil wrestling or did I elect to do it?
You said you wanted to do it, but I gave you a friendly nudge.
Only in this snowstorm did have I realized the lengths I'll go to to get laid.
Wish i knew who the f is sending me pics of asian newborns.
Just a heads up, i'm sleeping in te back seat of your car so don't be freaked out when you see me in the A.M.
I asked her why she named her vibrator Lorenzo and said it was the name she started screaming her first time.
She jumped on a table and took off her shirt and started yelling things that no one understood. For being 3, she has a dead on impression of a drunk party girl.
I got high and had sex with reindeer antlers on. It was magical and animalistic. Tia the season.
I refuse to plan drunken casual sex. Just think of the monster I'd create.
I lost a fight last night. By that I mean I head butt the bar and busted my lip open.
6 hours ago I jacked off a a guy for $100. I explained it away as "compensation" for gas and tolls. WHAT am I doing with my life? Quickest and easiest $100 I ever made though, haha
Randomize
