No awkward lesbian experiences without me
I wish there were whore gnomes that cleaned our apartment when we were gone.
Just found out I have to work new year's eve. It's like one final 'fuck you' from 2009.
Yes, i finally made it. but let me tell you...i can smell myself right now in class right now, this scent is called alcoholism.
Hi, this is a test of the morning after apology broadcast system. If you're receiving this pre-recorded message there is a high probability I was a dickwad to you in the past 24 hours. You have my utmost and sincere apologies. Also if you have my wallet, house key, left converse, or lighter, give them/it back
You know what's fun. When your getting a new mattress and you forget you put your vibrator under your old mattress and the moving guy finds it
Yesterday I dumped him, went out for my birthday, hooked up with someone else, and today he still fed my cat. Living with your ex ain't so bad . . .
Meanwhile I'm working a fucking flute workshop and I'm one high c away from shoving a flute up the asshole of the next passerby
Got it in all night, now at a bar at 730 am and we are the only two people here. Somewhere my mid twenties father is applauding me.
I climbed out of the shower to him sitting on the floor trimming his pubes with nail clippers, we both just started laughing at how drunk we were
This strip club is mediocre. Talent is fine. Fung shui is bad.
I appreciate the fact that you sent me a snapchat of your dick soaking in a cup of water.
Haha! I swear, it's like I'm talking to Buddha with a slutty agenda. You are so full of wisdom.
You’re sleeping on my couch so you’re not making dick appointments tonight
Im gonna start dry humping the manequins and see if i get fired.
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