my facebook friend requests are always from girls of boyfriends i have fucked, facebook is the worst reminder of shame
The child next door sounds like he's having vigorous sex in the backyard and it's making me very, very uncomfortable. I don't want to look.
Tortellini makes me feel like I'm eating hundreds of little vaginas
there's no excuse to just assume your pants won't be coming off for some reason or another. that's just irresponsible
How do I politely say my vagina is not a chew toy and if you bite me again I will slap you?
You could say take it easy, whoa there, be gentle, anything that doesn't fully convey the horror.
You're 34. You can't make guys wait till the third date anymore. Step it up!
I spent a good part of the night in a bear hat claiming I'd changed spieces
When you're done railing that chick, there is still half a pizza and some ninja turtle mac and cheese down here if you want
Im going to hell I gave him a handjob on the plane next, to an old guy playing video games on his iPad, on good friday.
Yes. He better. Or I will shave a penis into his beard while he sleeps.
The orgasm I got from him made me feel almost as good as I imagine the girls in the tampon commercials feel.
It's 5am and I come home to you naked on the kitchen table and 3 people I never saw before fucking on the back porch ... and my weed gummy worms are gone. fuck you I'm taking your mom's offer
Are you alive? Cause this is my official "im actually alive" text.
It's wednesday. OF COURSE HE'S DRUNK.
R.I.P my virginity. TOD 12:37pm
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