a guy named alex was hitting on my friend tonight. he doesnt work on wind turbines tho.
In all seriousness though I just found out the dog pissed in my bed it'd be nice to crash somewhere other than my couch while my piss soaked bedding is in the washer
I made my friend ***** cry when I wouldn't let her call u for an orgy at 3am...I didn't think you'd be to happy being woke up
what do you think about when you wanna get rid of a boner?
dying kittens.
alex threw up in my bong. i'm going to call it a night.
two words: fractured penis. two more: emergency room.
I don't think of it as I'm taking a pole dancing class...its more like I'm making myself recession proof
In need of cum proof mascara. Don't judge me.
Im on my period and I feel like I'm going to die. The only thing that can make this tolerable is for you to eat me out in the shower. Please. I'll do anything.
After she asked if she could try to fit her toe ring around it, i decided to leave. Thats the life i live
Hey I didn't mean to be all lemme get with your ex husband.
He's attempting to seduce me with thanksgiving-themed sexual metaphors... It's working.
2:34, make a wish! I wish I wasn't on acid at Planned Parenthood. What's yours?
I went in the hotel's jacuzzi fully clothed, threw up in the bathroom half an hour later and woke up naked next to Dr. Seuss' "Oh the Places You'll Go"
The best thing about last night is when drunk Lauren asked cop if she could smoke a joint in front of him. And next thing I remember she’s smoking weed with a cop. How awesome is that.
Randomize
