is it bad that i regret hanging out with a girl tonight because that means i have less time to sit on youtube watching xmen cartoons?
Woke up to a bottle of gatorade and a packet of saltine crackers tied to underwear hanging from my ceiling fan, along with 3 advil stuck to a piece of duct tape and a note saying "have a happy hangover- <3 you/me"
Drunk you is pretty stunner.
Hes pre-made beer lollipops so he "can suck before the sex" QUOTE!
When we picked him up this morning the cop said that if they actually arrested every drunk American who pissed on cathedral doors, Spain wouldn't have any room for real prisoners.
He tried to reenact Braveheart's freedom scream but got tackled by his drunk roommate who thought he was yelling that the handle he was holding up was free.
NATIONAL GIVE A BOSTON COP A BLOW JOB BITCH ROAD TRIP NOW
Not entirely sure how I got drunk off 2 mimosas but here I am
Do you remember the guy that smelled like hot dogs?
I smell like playdoh, sex, and ruined lives. I love the weekend
2016 is coming through for me, I'm renaming it the year of great dick
When God made him he put all his talent in his dick. What he lacks in brain, he makes up for in loin.
This guy wants me to put ice under his foreskin. What!?
fyi: first time in five days i havent washed my birth control down with liquor. when are we going out tonight?
I think there is cocaine on my toothbrush.
I'm legitimately the first person in the United States to successfully shave their balls with a Razer Blade of a sword and fully admitt it. I'm honestly smoother then a 10 year old.
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