he said my vag tasted like ravioli n pennies... i forgot I was on my period
you set the microwave for an hour telling me that the done sound was your alarm.
I managed to fit my wallet, my keys, my phone, Tammy's necklace, and $38.50 all in my bra. and $1.50 is in quarters. go me.
Call me next time you want to get irresponsibly drunk when we have grown up things to do the next day.
We bought a hamster while completely stoned and 2 hours later returned it because your mother wouldnt let you bring it in her house. You cried. a lot.
I hope you dream of an avalanche of penises
The upside of a losing football weekend is that there are more sad frat boys willing to let loose their inner gay man.
He followed me on twitter after I posted a drunk screen shot of a tweet. It's like he gave me permission to stalk him on a whole different level.
Masturbated before I came into work and now the finger scanner won't clock me in. Fuck Valentines Day.
God dammit not the cupcake channel. Not when I'm high.
I shit you not. I was sitting on Brian's balcony...still drunk from the night before, and a hummingbird flew onto the patio, stared me right in the face and flew away. I feel like it was God's way of telling me, "Stop drinking."
You were mean to me and you broke my heart and hurt my feelings. You dont get to talk to me about Peter Dinklage
We were supposed fuck one time, but ended up fucking for 2 years.
A total of 3 guys left my apartment this morning. That was my first clue to my black out endeavors last night. Gotta love wine Wednesdays.
Want to help me interview candidates to replace my Cub/Boy Toy when he leaves for grad school next month?
Randomize
