I am pretty sure the guy in the stall two dwn from me is jerking it...seriously
Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
He shit in the bushes next to the pool at the Venetian, after throwing up in the hallway. You really can do anything in Vegas.
you were sitting on the floor cleaning up your own puke and telling my mom she should hire you as a maid.
hows the party?
ists fjcssing insceredle
be there in 10
Your dignity remains intact. He, on the other hand, is completely convinced he slept with your cat.
So I have the hangover from hell, spent all night puking, and there's a septic tank truck parked outside the house literally pumping shit. You win God.
Just heard Miley Cyrus' version of "Every Rose Has Its Thorn". Fuck everything. If you don't have an std you have no right to remake this song
oh god all I remember is forward rolls down the corridor and all I have to show for it is "fit Romanian guy" saved in my phone
I totally just potholed and almost crashed while trying to lick salsa off my boob.
We had a weird moment. Mid-sex he started talking. It went along the lines of "I. FUCKING. LOVE.....this condom..."
And then we made magical love in his room under a blacklight as his roommate and girlfriend argued violently in the living room
I feel like one thing if I have going for me is that my bed looks like a nice place to have sex
Ran into a tinder match at the bar last night. We spotted each other and started making out without speaking any words to each other. Fuck yea technology!
You're even getting laid in my dreams, god I'm a good wingman
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