remember facepaint boy? turns out it stains. aaaand i have it all over my face and neck.
Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
Well yesterday i made out with the entire football team and rifht at this very moment our waiter looks like a ken doll. Straight up. And he gave me wine so ill probly make out with him
college has opened so many doors for you
Only girl at that party wearing a fake beard and I STILL get laid...
I feel like I'm a marionette being lifted around. Four Loko.
did you find a tooth?
did you lose one?
RIGHT?!?! I'M ACTUALLY UPSET I DON'T GET TO MAKE THE 2.3 MILE TREK TO SUCK HIS COCK, yes I google earthed it.
i woke up and saw you were brushing his hair naked. I can never pass out around you, man.
They let me close the tennis center alone. It's a 6-minute drive from 2 of my booty calls. Scratch tennis court bj off the bucket list.
I have discovered my latent superpower. If a friend is dating a bi chick they will inevitably try and talk me into a threesome.
If I wasn't stoned and knee deep in cheese and crackers I'd help.
On her way to bed she said, "If you have sex on the couch, just move my blanket" Needles to say, we moved the blanket
you told the taxi driver your yeast infection was so bad you wanted to F a popsicle
Nipple rings and loofahs DO NOT mix.
You said you were going to start drinking less. Drinking 25 small airplane bottle shots do not count.
Randomize
