first i yelled "you cant get it up?" and then in the middle of it i opened a Corona
Iced coffee. Banana. Two dumps. Life is good.
I'm watching CSI, they found semen in the woman's ear.
Guess she heard her killer coming
he'll be my respectable boyfriend for tksgiving and i'll be his non-slutty girlfriend for christmas.
and then ....
he stays my gay friend and my parents think i'm not a slut.
dude. this chick is staring at me like i gave her brother herpes.
I would literally rather jam a rusty rail road spike into my cock than be here right now. The whore showed up and now I might smash my iPhone into my face repeatedly until I'm no longer consisting of any sort of life.
What's the address?
Too drunk. Just google it.
IT'S YOUR HOUSE
They conduct scientific research memoirs about what sort of shit happened last night after I ate those cookies.
Every time I think about it I can feel His toe in my mouth and I gag, I'm scarred for life.
I may have farted on a group of children. It may not have been an accident.
Dad danced with a girl half his age and her boyfriend just sat at the bar and waited for dad to be done. I bought pity nachos.
On a scale from 1-10 how wrong is it to request "I Hit It First" at my ex's wedding reception?
Definite 12.2 but worth it.
Listen. You dont know how advanced you are in yoga till you have to shave your butthole
You have no idea how awkward it is fucking someone with the same name as your dog
If I could eat my chicken parm naked, it would be the closest I could ever be to God.
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