Apparently I look legit enough, cause the 3 bums next to me just got kicked awake by cops, and I was allowed to stay sitting here. That's a plus, right?
I just put lube in Matt's bellybutton. He looks unhappy.
I thought if I stared at him long enough he'd walk me to my car. but he didn't. he dddidn't. i rreally thought i had those powers.
Wine + wine + wine + wine + bud light = puke.
I want to hold her baby but I'm afraid I'll give it a contact buzz
If you haven't gone to the store yet. Can you PLEASE get me some clippers my balls will thank you later
I found a body half wedged into my bedroom wall this morning. How do I explain THIS to the carpenters?
I cannot believe this. A potential 2016 Olympiad wants my vag. To which I respond "GO FOR THE GOLD"
you have to be that girl in the audience holding up the sign that says i fucked the shit out of you
I heard drunk is the new sober. I heard me say that. To a cop. Can you come get me??
So here's a brief summary of my weekend: last night I drank four glasses of Death Punch, grabbed the toaster, said "This is mine", put it in my pants and walked out the front door.
Might be using my graduation money to pay for an abortion.
The three of us were sitting silently in my dining room at 4:30 am, half drunk, eating cold spaghetti and listining to death metal. I need a fucking cigarette.
That moment when you sit down to shit and someone is watching porn on the other side of the wall.
I was actually kind of excited. I mean, how many people can say they've been question by the CIA?
We met behind our asshole boss's back with the intent to oust him from the company. If this revolution is a success, bring nachoes.
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