I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
Are you still at the party or did I leave?
So excited for tonight I might actually pee my pants BEFORE I get blackout
where did this taco bell managers name tag come from ?
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
i honestly don't know why someone didn't cut me off after i broke the ceiling lamp with MY HEAD
Come over we're drinking with orange soda as a chaser to honor 90s nick kenan and kel.
the potatoes in the margarita machine wasn't the breaking point. its when he turned on the stove and put a bunch of bottle rockets on it that i knew the night had prematurely failed
I'm driving while wearing hulk hands
That was the night, like, my hair caught on fire...
Officially conquered sex on my couch with my dad asleep in the next room
I like how you say "conquered" as if that was your sole mission in life
There is a car windscreen wiper in my handbag... Not my car's, not ok.
Went up to some dude that hit on Laura and told him he has a voice like a grandma. Apparently didnt have muscles or kindness like grandma so can you pick me up at the ER please?
I've been sober for almost two weeks and it's been the worst two weeks ever. Even my mom told me I need to start drinking again.
I just chased my birth control with Smirnoff. Shit's about to go down.
Randomize
