is it a bad sign that i now think of my run-ins with cops as "skill building seminars"?
um, yeah. i think it is.
I KNOW you don't honestly think you can pay me back in lotto tickets.
i just licked mashed potatoes off my blackberry. i'm not even ashamed to admit that to you.
My friend just ordered a beer and poured it on the floor in celebration of open bar night
Dorm room. In. Elevator. Fell in. Boom. Puke
Just disregard the tooth in the plastic bag in the fridge.
Haha. I got you. I always pay you back somehow. Do you accept all major forms of payment: cash, taco bell, and patriotic underwear?
The people at subway are so judgy when you stop to get a sandwhich on your walk of shame
I didn't even know this guy existed until he'd had his hands down my pants, so I just went with it.
I've peed outside too many times in just this past week
Well I'm a full service fuck buddy so lemme know if I can get you food or water or anything
I probably shouldn't be taking relationship advice from my side piece...
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
I love you too, but sadly you're not as good at getting me out of bed as cocaine.
Randomize
