I wish i could clap on, clap off my penis
Um, yeah. You lit my birthday candles with a joint. Mom= not happy.
Yeah. I realized I have a weakness for drugs and I need to move somewhere where I don't know how to find them.
He crawled over to me grabbed my boob asked me if I liked cats and then passed out. If that's really my RA, it's gonna be a long year
just woke up in a camero on the way to nebraska, i would appreciate it if you answered your phone.
First of all you're supposed to say "you're not fat". And second of all never ever deprive me of nachos.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO GET MY FUCKING CUPCAKES WHEN THE GROUNDSWORKER I HOOKED UP WITH IS LOITERING IN THE VENDING AREA
I like to imagine god has to get plastered to deal with the fact that he made you and me
Maybe one day we'll get unicorn butt tattoos together
Almost caused a huge accident on the highway because I was distracted by how orange the road barrels were
I feel you. I woke up butt naked on top of my sheets with a plate of cheese next to my bed...
He stopped mid thrust ... To check snap chat .. From his roomie
I woke up at 3am, top off, with campus security telling me to get dressed. Tonight was a GOOD NIGHT
Bear grylls would be proud of my improvisation. Just used her vibrator to massage my back after hurting it at work.
So he apologized for peeing on my floor.. then we fucked all night.
Real classy
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