I almost didn't wake up for my first day of work. The 3rd bottle of champagne was a mistake. And the 2nd bottle of wine after that was probably excessive
did you hook up at the wedding?
No but I jerked off on the hotel sheets. I wanted to get my moneys worth.
My roomate just said the he would "tap dat" to the 13 out of control girl on maury. Im finding a new place in the morning.
Just got booked to do a bachelorette party for a polygamist wedding. And notice I only text you to rub things in your face and show you my life shits on yours. Daily.
Ok but if you die you have to get "I should've listened to Mike" carved into your tombstone
Hey. I thought you were saving your 80s playlist til marriage.
Honestly I'm so excited to go to bed I feel as if I don't deserve to be in my early twenties.
once he tried to wake me up from my hangover nap to have sex, that's when things went downhill. he had to go.
The oven caught fire. I put it out, but called the fire department just to make sure it was okay since the smoke wasn't going away
You just wanted to meet firemen
I need water and some morals
Pretty sure my boss knows there's Jack smell coming out of my pores right now... He just gave me a look...
Just walked out of the train bathroom after having sex and got a round of applause from the passengers. Definitely the best part of the trip.
my alarm on my phone broke at the bar sooo i had to sleep with someone so i'd wake up on time for work.
You threw a beachball full of vodka at me and yelled I CHOOSE YOU then ran
Damn that sucks I haven't needed pants the whole time i've been here
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